Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Road Trip!

We begin out story in Hotlanta, a few hours drive from Floribama.

We stayed at a friend's house in Midtown, which is a lovely area of town. We had this view from her porch on the seventh floor, a little urban rooftop getaway across the street:
Rooftop garden

In the morning, we walked to a breakfast spot and got a taste of the neighborhood. What are some of the things you can find in a diverse, urban area stuck in the middle of the south?
We're gay
Gay neighbors get their own sign telling you what's up.

When you cross the street, you get the normal "ped x-ing" guy and then there's also this weird eyeball thing going on:
The eyes are watching
The pupils flash and go back and forth as you cross the street, I assume to remind you that as you walk, big brother is watching. At least that's what it seems like.

Luckily, there's a great salon nearby where you can get that helmet hair 'do of your dreams:
Helmet hair

Speaking of, I was lucky enough to visit an awesome antiques auction house in the few daylight hours that we were actually in Atlanta. They had this:
And it seems that someone can't resist obvious temptation:
helmet hair
I don't need no stinking salon.

The auction house had all kinds of huge and weird and interesting things. They had a childrens' carousel inside the actual building. If any of you fans are well heeled, my birthday happens to be in August but for a gift like that I'd bend the rules and accept it early.

There was also this awesome car:
Which isn't that unusual besides the fact that it has this switch, the perfect switch, that I'd like to carry around with me and apply to different life situations:
The switch

So you get the idea, it's an upscale spot. I just wanted to point that out, and that there are a lot of fancy and classy things in there to prove that it is not their fault before I show you this:
Creepy baby!

It's a fancy antique creepy baby statue. With a matching partner, no less:
Creepy baby!

Why so creepy? I've seen this in antique art before, and I still don't get it. What's the point of a creepy baby statue? The staring eyes, the weird poses, the upraised arm as though it might try to strike you while grinning and giggling maniacally... who wants this in their house?
Super creepy baby
Is it some kind of early form of birth control?

Speaking of creepy, this might be one of the creepiest things I've ever seen. It actually made me retch just a little when I saw it, so avert your eyes if you are at all sensitive:
Leg stool

I mean, eeeewwww. It's almost enough to make someone turn vegetarian. It's actually a matched set:
Leg stool

How does such a thing occur? What is the story of this horridly disgusting piece of furniture?

***Setting: England, colonial times***
Elizabeth: "Oh, dear Gilroy, you've returned from your travels to distant lands! But what have you brought me?"
Gilroy: "Yes my darling, I've returned from ritually oppressing those who look different than us, and I've had such a grand adventure."
Elizabeth: "That sounds smashing Gilroy, but have you brought me the souvenirs of your travels that I requested when we were engaged?"
Gilroy: "Why of course, my love, and here they are, a pair of matching footstools." (presents gifts)
Elizabeth: "But Gilroy! I didn't mean literal FEET! GAHHH!!!" (runs off screaming)
Gilroy: "Elizabeth, wait! You haven't yet seen the trunk I brought you made of real trunks! Where are you going?"
The pair is available for purchase at the price of $5900. It is unclear whether a curse of elephant wrath is included in the price. But it would certainly get the Greenpeace donation canvassers out of your face quickly if you display them just inside the front door.

Just to segue you gently back from gross dead things as furniture:
Antler Chandelier
The antler chandelier. Chantlerier, maybe? I don't really get how it works anyway, but it would certainly lend just the right blend of prissy manliness to any sad basement secret clubhouse or dive bar with airs.

Back outside, there's this guy:
I don't know exactly what's going on here, except that that guy's riding like the wind to whup something. There's something very southern about this to me, the fact that the act of whupping something is immortalized in a giant bronze statue.

And there's this:
Rad Outfit
Which I happen to think is a very cute outfit, even though I can't quite figure out what it is. Is she wearing an impractical bathing suit? Maybe this is a memorial statue dedicated to those brave testers of unsuccessful early "water wings" prototypes.

Speaking of doom, you may recall from earlier episodes our good friend the "Ped Xing" guy meeting bad ends. And as you can see above, big brother is watching him in the city of Atlanta, so you'd think he's off to a better start there, right? Wrong.

There is this small forklift at the auction house:
Tractor thingie
Which bears depictions of both of these horrible ways to go:
Let's review: DO NOT get smushed by the forklift part of the forklift. DO NOT let the forklift fall over on you. You have been warned.

One last creepy baby before we hit the road:
I love fish!
I mean, there's a reason his only friend is a fish.

Back on the road, a Peach watertower:

Which looks a tiny bit like a sunburned baby's bum if you've been looking at creepy naked baby statues all morning.

We made our way north and saw these road trip gems:
These days everybody has their own website.

What happened to just writing "wash me"?

And finally, the last few signs of the south began to trickle away:

Goodbye P-nuts, worms, CRICKTS, and CHX WINGS. Farewell Berenda and your cakes. Goodbye Bud-Coors cases and $1.89 cigarettes.

Next stop: New England.


At 4:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoa. those babies are creepy. For some reason the first one reminded me of Donald Trump. Great writing!

At 4:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Selling cakes and crickets at the same place can only lead to trouble-hg


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