Road Trip III: Hunterrific!

Let me tell you, Pennsylvania is a loooong state. We (much to my chagrin) didn't have time to visit the Hershey Chocolate factory this time, but we passed the Nestle Factory. Those Pennsylvanians sure must live the good life with all those chocolate factories everywhere.

Then I saw this:

It's for an Army surplus store, but they talk about something I'd never heard of- a gun library. Is this a real thing?

We stopped in the middle of nowhere to get our chariot worked on (the truck needed an oil change) and had just enough time to visit this:

A huge "outdoor supply" store called Cabela's. Those of you who know what this is maybe chuckling already, but for those who don't, I'll give you a little tour.

First things first, a close up on the enormous statue in front of the enormous store:

As you can see here, outdoorsy types of yore worked in harmony and split the work evenly. The Native Americans did the rowing, and the white guy has to sit up front and point the way with a huge gun. That's exhausting work. Notice how the white fellow here is paying close attention to how the Native American man is rowing, clearly he is keen on learning. And the Native American man is obviously happy to help.

The statue begins to give you an idea of what may be going on inside, but I still didn't know what to expect. It looks way bigger than even the extra huge behemoth super Wal-Mart stores that dot the country, and yet I'd never heard of this place. I rushed inside for a closer look.


It. Goes. On. Forever. In this photo if you squint your eyes and peer toward the upper right corner above that white part, you can see small lights dotting the ceiling. That mezzanine area up there alone is the size of a grocery store. The whole thing: 250,000 square feet. About dead center you can see some kind of huge fake mountain thing with animals on it.

It only takes a moment inside the doorway to realize that "outdoor" means hunting. And lots of it.

Rack after rack of camo, for summer:


Fall:


And winter:

Just like all the other high fashion department stores.

And there's something for the whole family!

Why yes, that's a camo jumpsuit for a tiny little girl. Complete with tiny ribbons and bits of lace for the pocket. Awww... how cute. And the brand name: Daddy's Little Deer. Isn't that sweet.

So there are probably times when the woods are full of families in full camo, blending so well that they might be mistaken for a leaf, and armed with these:


If you find that thought at all scary, you may want to bring a set of these along for when you need a pit stop:


There are all kinds of weird equipment in the store, including laundry detergent to get the persony smell off of your person:


Also available in mouth spray, deodorant, and general all-over spray:

I have to say, I think these people are missing a large market here. That breath spray is probably a good thing to keep in the glove box for interviews and dates and stuff.

But Cabela's isn't just out to make a buck. The company claims that this is "an educational and entertainment attractions (sic), featuring a décor of museum-quality animal displays, huge aquariums and trophy animals interacting in realistic re-creations of their natural habitats."

Lemme show you some of that décor:

Whoops, looks like I got my date's forehead in the shot. He looks kind of worried, doesn't he? I know I was. But I guess it's pretty cool that I kept with the theme of decorative heads by getting his head in the shot.

More lovely décor:

This one has to be my favorite. This is the way back of the store, upstairs on the mezzanine level. It's the entrance to the Shooting Gallery, where you can pretend shoot things in the comfort of the store. Anytime someone walks by, motion sensors trigger this charming display: the mounted deer heads on either side of the sign come to animatronic life and talk in wacky voices about how scared they are of the big bad hunters who are going to come into the gallery and shoot them. Charming.

And how about those trophy animals interacting in the realistic recreations of their natural habitats?


I don't know how many of you have had the chance to see big game in Africa, but I know at least one of my readers was with me, and... hey Jamie, remember when we were in that wildlife reserve in Tanzania and we saw the zebras? Those are the exact same handrails and floodlights and painted background, am I right? And remember how all the animals clumped together like that? Yeah! It brings it all rushing right back.


What happened? Am I outside? It's just so real!


Scary! But what's that little plaque there?


Each animal has it's own little sign telling you what it is, who shot it, when they shot it, and where they shot it. All of the pertinent info. That must be the "educational" part.

Trust me, this is only a very small portion of the educational and decorative content available in the store.I kept wandering around, stunned. Then I saw it:

A GUN LIBRARY! Just like the kind you can make at home with all your savings from the Army surplus store.
What happens in there? Obviously something more manly than what happens at my local library, you can tell by the big tusks. Do you think they have story hour in there?

Whatever goes on, I am sure that safety is their number one concern.

ACK!

So, big tough hunters are big and tough. This is what I have learned. But you know, people are more complex than that.

Their bum-bums get cold, just like us.

So you know, you really shouldn't assume that they're all gruff and uncultured. They like to have marinated meat out in the field:

After skinning elk and tanning hide for days on end, it really helps to save a few minutes on the marination step. I get that. But "flavoristas"??? I think a line has been crossed here. It's hard to picture.

*****Opening day of hunting season******
Wife: "Where you goin', Earl?"
Earl: "Jest out. Be back in a few days."
Wife: "You goin' huntin' again?"
Earl: "Me an' the other flavoristas been waiting all year for this! Leave me be! Can't a flavorista marinate in the woods in peace anymore?"
Wife: "Fine!"
*******

Other hunterly ways to save time on hunterly food:

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but aren't s'mores kind of famous for being easy to make?

If all of that rigamarole is too complicated, Cabelas again has you covered:

It doesn't get much more straightforward than that. Except that it's a candy bar, not a dried chunk of caribou.

I guess I'd seen enough of Cabela's. On the way out I spotted these plaques:

Why, it's Ye Olde Wall of Extremely Obscure Plaques! They must be proud. They are so unlimited.

Outside, there was a great little spot for the kiddies:

I can see that they're trying to get an early start on getting kids interested in the "outdoors" but not one of those flavors sounds delicious. Nor do they make any sense.

It was a very interesting and educational stop. Plus we got to take home these classy his-n-hers beer cozies as souvenirs, so we can remember our trip to Cabela's forever: