High on Coke

I decided today that in honor of my impending departure from this country, I'd like to take part in some real American traditions. I thought his would be a good start:



It's behemoth. Terrifying, really. I chucked a little ice in there, and filled it up with- of course- good old Coca Cola. I started drinking.

Wow. That's a lot of soda. My first thought was that it's a pretty unhealthy experiment, but then I realized that I was building muscle tone carrying the dang thing around. So I weighed it.

Five pounds of patriotism.

The task started to seem daunting.That's a lot of bubbly goodness. The desire to honor my countrymen with this act of solidarity was in danger of being eclipsed by my affection for my liver.

But I perservered.

This thing is bigger than my head.


At first it seemed kind of disgusting, but as I drank I began to feel very happy, and awake. Giddy even. My stomach argued with me, but I didn't care anymore. I was too far gone with the caffiene and sugar coursing through my veins. And I started to realize what a genius I am for purchasing this piece of consumable Americana. The cup is much more useful than you might imagine. My stepmother pointed out that as an indicator of my cultural pride and heritage, this cup could come in handy. If I ever happen to get my purse stolen and have amnesia, friendly locals will immediately know to take me to the US embassy. It could save my life.

It's also versatile. I could use it as a footstool. It could be a weapon. And it doubles as a floatation device.

I was inspired.



You know, some people get down on the Coca Cola Company's world domination and the fact that they are a detriment to public health at large. But as I finished off the mighty cup of sugar water, I felt really happy- energetic, you might say. I am not sure why I was giggling so much, nor why no one seemed to want to spend any time with me. I was telling hilarious jokes and really interesting stories.

When I bought it, I specifically said "I'll never do this again." But, you know, the refills are only 89 cents.